I think that even on the days where I am upset and angry and just spent, you’ll always be the spark that ignites just everything in me. I think that if you knew how much you mean to me, how much you do whatever it is that you do to me, you’ll see me in a brand new way and it could be scary and it could hurt but I think it’ll make you happy because you’ll finally find a place of recognition, a place that has so much of comfort that even if you feel nothing for me, you will stay with your hand in mine.
but the weird thing is that I can see it right now. I can see how you feel, why you feel and just how badly you want to restrain yourself from giving up and just giving in but you don’t because it will hurt me and you care.
You care and I wish you didn’t because if you not caring mean that I can say goodbye or be on the receiving end of everything that I want you to give me, then I’ll take it. I’ll take having you not turn to me; I’ll take having me not turn to you. I’ll even take meaningless words with meaningless actions if it just means that I can feel and touch you in every way that you need. I’ll break my heart and I’ll mend it a thousand times over if it does so much as to put a smile on your face, if it brings you relief.
So this is it. I hate to have to admit that I have crumbled into figments like a mirror once a wall. I hate to have to admit that you are the thoughts, the spark, and the very reason for all of this but you need to know.
You need to know that each time you utter the words, “I’m lost” or, “I’m helpless”; I am dying inside because there can never be another person who is as helpless and as lost as I am because I have failed. As a lover, as the person who loves you with everything she has, I have failed to keep you happy, I have failed to make you smile and if you just knew, pardon the dramatisim but if you just knew how badly you tear me each time you cry, each time you stare at me with such sadness and depression, I think you’d really see yourself differently.
I think you’d open up your mind and your heart and all feelings that no one will ever be able to comprehend because you’ll finally see just how much you’re worth and as that end up to become your solace, you will forget me.
“you’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.”—Richard Siken
Supernovas are stars that have grown so large that they can no longer support their own mass so they explode in a flash of brilliance that gradually fades away and in that explosion they emit the most light they ever will and I kind of feel like that now.
“I walk around the school hallways and I look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they’re here. Not in a mean way, in a curious way. It’s like looking at all the students and wondering who’s had their heart broken that day.. or wondering who did the heart breaking and wondering why”—The Perks of Being a Wallflower